It’s 3:42 in the morning. Though my room’s light went out a long ago, I still can’t sleep. I hear the fan humming, the clock ticking, the insects chirping. HSR is a quiet place. The ticking clock makes me anxious.The distant sound of passing vehicles is quite clear. Random thoughts keep on striking my mind. My eyes are closed. But my brain seems to have reached a super active state. I am not insomniac. Lots of intrusive and disturbing thoughts seem to be intertwined as several knotted and length ropes in my cerebrum. I feel lost. There’s a sudden urge to do something, an urge to separate out those intertwined ropes and lay them straight of the table floor as if i have identified all my problems clearly.
I live far from home now. Before moving to bangalore, my path was fixed. A lot had been decided by parents. The only decisions which i made were the stream and coaching to choose after class 12th and the college to choose after AIEEE. I had long term goals like Xth board, IITJEE, Placements which required fewer decisions and greater hard work on my part. But now i am free. I can take my own decisions. The choices are innumerable and to pick one out of them with certainity is a gamble. I think it’s this pain of freedom (to take own decision) which keeps me awake. The innumerable choices spread across my day to day matters of career, family , personal interests, technology and money.
Everyday, many friends, relatives, team mates and acquaintances touch my life momentarily. I hear about my college seniors switching jobs or my colleagues taking up higher studies. Few joining Google , Few taking CAT or GRE. Sometimes, I find an acquaintance’s start up idea getting funded while other time, i find big companies launching their revolutionary technology(Ex. Internet of things). I hear about the merger of linked with Microsoft or read about the development of Smart cities. I intently read about the tech stack which Uber uses or the ML algo which microsoft developed.I get fascinated by the numerous buzz words like Bigdata, Open Source , Android , Web frameworks… thrown at me everyday. Interestingly, I have the freedom to choose. But the question is which one?
Fear is necessary evil. It is the fear of stalled career growth which provokes us to choose between aforementioned innumerable choices. Another common fear which many of us encounter is the Fear of missing out(FoMO). We have been told that youth is the time to enjoy. I often fear that this time may never come back. Thus i constantly check if i am putting enough time on my interests as well. I don’t want to miss out the unplanned trips to hill stations, the mad dancing at Pubs, the sweet moments with her, etc. I fear of missing out the hobbies/interests which i could develop today. Should i learn some musical instrument, may be guitar?Am i postponing my gym or swimming sessions a lot? Will tomorrow be too late to meet random people and see their lives? Many a times i stop and think if i am continuing my passion of writing,reading, singing or have i left them far behind?
Since childhood, i used to manage basic finances at my house. I would often suggest my mother to put money in Post office instead of banks as they give more interest. I would search on internet about different scholarships , loans and FD interests rates. Today i myself earn. That childhood experience now motivates me to look out for schemes or plans to grow my money. I try to understand the share market, the GDP as and when i get opportunity. I am often skeptical if my earning’s are enough to secure my dreams and my family’s future. Though it’s only been an year of real world experience, i feel i have come quite far. I remember those days when we would fight over the TV channels, when our favourite dish would be made by mom, when my whole family would sit together and laugh. Their happiness in my work is quite valuable. Sometimes i feel i should shift back to my hometown and live with them forever.